Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
You Might Also Like
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
*weighs self after shaving
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.