Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
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College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
