Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
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My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Twitter fine art
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
Jogging has never helped my memory.