Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.