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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.