Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
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must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
This meal prepping shit easy
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!