Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
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If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
i hope my email finds you on fire
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please