@Ristolable

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

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@Dirty_Naomi

After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat’s the male. Guess she knows it’s easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.

@Mr_Kapowski

*Boss approaches desk*

“What the fu..”

Me, wearing paper clip necklace – “See? I knew you’d be mad so I made you one too”

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

@SarcasticAlly12

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

@AndyAsAdjective

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

@Mr_Kapowski

The only problem with winning concert tickets from a Pepsi lid is that you will be attending a concert with a bunch of Pepsi drinkers

@jilltwiss

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

@Ristolable

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

@Heather2Go

I have the body of a 25-year-old girl, a 25-year-old who has recently been eaten by a 40-year-old bear.

@Rollinintheseat

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”