@Ristolable

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

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@lisaxy424

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

@_steamy_mac

Oh, you wanna steal my identity? *hands you wallet and all important documents I can find* Have at ‘er, best of luck, my friend.

*runs away

@katiefzack

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

@mommywhitfield

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

@preawsaurus

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

@AmishPornStar1

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

@BigJDubz

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

@hexprax

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

@DamonHunzeker

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.