Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

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Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.


Oh, you wanna steal my identity? *hands you wallet and all important documents I can find* Have at ‘er, best of luck, my friend.

*runs away


I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”


Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off


oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.


Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.


Wife – remember to compliment the host


Me – your wife is hot


Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow


I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.