Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

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After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat’s the male. Guess she knows it’s easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.


*Boss approaches desk*

“What the fu..”

Me, wearing paper clip necklace – “See? I knew you’d be mad so I made you one too”


WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.


Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.


My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.


The only problem with winning concert tickets from a Pepsi lid is that you will be attending a concert with a bunch of Pepsi drinkers


I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.


[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger


I have the body of a 25-year-old girl, a 25-year-old who has recently been eaten by a 40-year-old bear.


Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”