Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
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Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!