Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.