Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
