Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.