Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable