Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.