Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”