Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

Girl, same.

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

ㅤㅤ

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

me adding lol on a serious message

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*