Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake