Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
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Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Short story
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.