Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”