Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I need this for my side hustle.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn