Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
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My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god