Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
You Might Also Like
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”