Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
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My what?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry