Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
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I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.