Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
You Might Also Like
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas