Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.