Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
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If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
This is Sparta