Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

Old old old old old west

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*