@Michael_Erhart

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

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@stuckinaportal

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

@dysondoc

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

@bauerpower

So, I ordered a Detective Pikachu plush for my desk at work, and I have to say, this is not how I expected him to be packaged.

@iGreenGod

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

@poutinesmoothie

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

@BDGarp

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

@david8hughes

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

@smithsara79

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

@GrowlyGrego

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

@XennDad

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.