Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
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People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule