Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings