Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

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Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.


Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.


Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.


INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?




MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself


wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years


I once listened to Heart at 3am smoking a cigarette with mascara running down my face.

Teacher: We usually choose a book for story time..


i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me


SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.