Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”