Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
You Might Also Like
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I once listened to Heart at 3am smoking a cigarette with mascara running down my face.
Teacher: We usually choose a book for story time..
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.