Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
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It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I