Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows