every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
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Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.