Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
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Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.