Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
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Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Same pineapple, same
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
3% human
97% stress
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.