Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens