Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
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“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
When you let grandma cat sit
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.