every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
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[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back