Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
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*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit