Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Breaking news:
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father