Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
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It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
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Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
#math
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Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.