every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
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If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?