Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

*limbos away from your hug*

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.