every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
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Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween