Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
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If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.