Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

In case you needed to hear it:

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.