Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
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One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.