every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
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sometimes i miss this memes
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.