every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
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CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
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Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
Lmfao
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My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
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A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)