every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Today’s Times
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.