every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
was Jim off killing horses or…
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
WHY?!
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.