every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
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[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Risking my life for fun.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM