every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
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a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I used the label maker
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy