every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
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Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Livid.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.