Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
