Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
incredible book dedication
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
