Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
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You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
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how to market bottled water to dads
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Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
brian had himself a morning…
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