Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
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Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
i was baptized in a car wash
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.