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If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh