Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
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Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
