Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
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During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.