Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
me and who
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
This kid will have a bright future.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
The answer is funnier than the question
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.