Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
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Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Fight
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.