Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
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Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Please do it!
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*