Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!