Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
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“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Voodoo map
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
My boss called in sick of me
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry