Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
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shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.