Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work