Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
