In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
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This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.