Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
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[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.