Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

she has a point

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music