Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

Saw your ex at the shops

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

❤️

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.