Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
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there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Do one thing every day that scares people.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.