Every work call, he judges.
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It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
courtroom exchange of the day
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Get in loser we’re going crying
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.