Every work call, he judges.
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when unicorns get really drunk
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.