Every work meeting this week
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I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only