Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
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2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.