Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
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[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol